What do British politicians want for Christmas this year? We hijacked Santa’s sleigh to get our hands on all of their wish lists and take a peek at what they’re asking for from the big man in the North Pole.
David Cameron, Conservative
I’ve been a good boy this year, did I mention that the economy is 12.3% bigger than the beginning of the last parliament? I need to make sure to keep saying that, not sure if I say it most of the time or all of the time.
Anyway, for Christmas I want nothing to change, no EU referendum, no slowdown in the economy (which I am singlehandedly responsible for!) and please ensure that Jeremy Corbyn continues his dedication to trying to pull of the communist Granddad look.
With this being said, I also would like to ask you not to give anyone else any presents this year, as such handouts will surely destroy the fabric of society and ensure that everyone becomes lazy, non-aspirational layabouts. Enclosed is a cheque to cover any costs for my gifts, and if you have any time left over, can you get rid of the whole pig thing?
David Cameron MP
Jeremy Corbyn, Labour
Thank you for answering all of my requests from last year, thanks to you I am now the leader of the Labour party. And the pig thing was genius, thanks for sorting that out.
However, I have a new problem, it turns out I have done and said some things that are apparently controversial? The new Labour party are soft and all Tory lovers, and so I am requesting you provide me a time machine so I can go back in time and be the leader of the Labour party when they actually stood for something, and you could look and sound like an angry old Granddad and still be a serious contender for prime minister.
As for evidence that I’m a good boy, means tested presents are dehumanising and insulting, and therefore such evidence should not need to be provided. Have yourself a merry Christmas,
Nigel Farage, UKIP
Well Hello Mr Clause,
Hope you’re having a jolly good time up in the North pole. I know it’s cold, but are you moving away and immigrating here? No you aren’t, because you’re a good foreign bloke, staying where you belong. On to the subject of presents, now I have one major request. As you know in 2017 there is a referendum on the UK’s membership of the EU, you need to ensure the results of that referendum is a close LOSS for the out campaign. Yes loss, because if we leave the EU… well old chap I’ll be irrelevant wont I?! No one will want a pint with me then.
Merry Christmas (not happy holidays! Bloody politically correct morons)
Tim Farron, Liberal Democrats
Last year all of the liberal democrats were naughty apparently, or our letters were lost in the mail. Either way you forgot about us didn’t you? If you manage to get this, please ensure that people know who I am. Everyone keeps calling my party “that Clegg party that hates students”. To summarise, I would like people to know who I am, and stop people from giving me that book How To Lose Friends And Alienate People. It isn’t funny anymore.
Natalie Bennett, Green Party
Dear Mr Clause,
Please stop making toys. Do you have any idea how much Co2 you emit doing that? Attached is a petition and a cease and desist order.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and not meant to be taken in seriousness. All views reflect those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication.