University is not a walk in the park, but rather a drunken stumble down a dark alleyway with your heels in one hand and a McDonalds cheeseburger in the other (a double, naturally). However, closely lurking in the shadows behind you are things that only a young, innocent (ahem) student will experience. Here are our top ten university horrors that will creep up on you during your time with us. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
1. Shared bathrooms
Ah yes, the age-old blocked plugholes, dirt stains and a lovely spread of body hair scattered throughout. Plugholes will rapidly become as clogged up as the minds of those who refuse to clean after themselves. Good luck.
2. Small Talk
This one quite literally speaks for itself. There are only so many house parties you can attend without wanting to stick needles in your eyes for feigning an interest in other people’s courses, or for the countless occasions you’ve been asked to explain yours. Besides, neither will remember this conversation in the morning; so let’s stop pretending.
3. Food Shopping
The one place you will most frequently doubt your entire life decisions will be when you are aimlessly wandering around, lost, in Tesco’s supermarket. This will also be the place you will make the majority of phone calls to your mother. But never fear, relief can always be found in the cereal aisle.
Too little of it and you’re exhausted, but too much of it and, that’s right, you’re somehow still exhausted. Either way, you will not be able to stop the inevitable drop-and-catch of your head as you fight the constant battle against your heavy eyelids in every Monday morning lecture. Naps will be your favourite hobby. And being humiliated every time this happens will be your lecturer’s favourite hobby.
Monday mornings. Tuesday mornings. Wednesday mornings. And most definitely those hungover Thursday mornings. In fact, just any morning which requires you to be up before 12pm. You get the picture.
Check available bank balance? No thank you. Would you like a receipt with your transaction? Most definitely not. Your pockets will feel a whole lot lighter than the weight of your ever-extending overdraft on your shoulders.
7. Junk Food
I refuse to accept that this is the fault of the student, but more the fault of the government and their insatiable skill at overpricing fruit, veg and all things green while so temptingly under-pricing large packs of Doritos. “I’m a student” is the best way to justify those love handles in the mirror or that double chin that’s snuck out of nowhere. But we’re okay with it and you should be too.
8. Thin Walls
It becomes surprisingly difficult to sleep, work, or even think when the walls are thinner than a starving student. Top tip: lay down toilet paper beforehand. You’re welcome.
Mary Berry you are not (as much as you’d like to be) and the temptation to satisfy your rumbling stomach with a quick phone call to Domino’s is a pricey one to say the least. Whilst university may be the prime time for you to develop an intimate relationship with your microwave, it is also the time to come up with the most creative, yet simple meal ideas. Hash brown sandwiches. Thank me later.
You will learn things about yourself that will be enough to turn your dear ol’ mothers stomach. Presentations, new experiences and nights out will be followed by embarrassing mornings and avoiding eye contact with all those involved. But who cares, good always triumphs over evil, right? So make sure you embrace it, chill out and most importantly enjoy yourself.